


cold is the ground

by Hannahmayski



Series: Supernatural S1 codas [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent John Winchester, Bad Parent John Winchester, Dean Winchester Tries, Episode: s01e11 Scarecrow, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Sam watched the love of his life burn to death in front of him, Season/Series 10, and his dad knew and despite knowing exactly what sam was going through, but mostly hurt and only a tiny bit of comfort, he was like: I’m gonna do absolutely nothing about this, sam i am so sorry baby you deserve so much better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski
Summary: John apologised over the phone, it was Dean’s phone that was pressed to his ear, and Sam knows that if he hadn’t been the one to pick up, John would never have spoken to him, never would have asked too.John knew Jessica was dead.John doesn’t bother to call.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, John Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Supernatural S1 codas [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977949
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	cold is the ground

**Author's Note:**

> If there are errors dont tell me, sometimes things just be like that

Sam breathes it in the thick smell of leather and smoke, runs his fingers across the seat and stares out the window. Trees flash past, some beer cans are scattered along the side of the road; someone threw them out the window haphazardly enough they managed to scatter across all along the road's edge. There’s the road in front of them, and he can see the condensation welling up across the windscreen as the heat pumps through the car. 

He catches his thoughts on a loose branch, and he can’t untangle it, can’t get himself to move past anything but _John_ _knew_ before his entire being comes to a halt, all slamming breaks and squeaking wheels. 

His hand is on the door handle before he realises what he’s doing, his throat riots with the threat of burning acid, he knows he should tell Dean to pull the fucking car over before he vomits all over the stupid upholstery, but his tongue sits in his mouth like a dead weight. 

He bends over, hand still grabbing the door handle, until his forehead touches his knees. 

John apologised over the phone, it was Dean’s phone that was pressed to his ear, and Sam knows that if he hadn’t been the one to pick up, John would never have spoken to him, never would have asked too. 

His thoughts roll over into each other until there’s just a wall of _he fucking knew he fucking knew he fucking knew and he never even bothered to call. He never even fucking called you - he was never going to fucking call you._

He doesn’t realise the car’s stopped until the door’s ripped open and Dean yanks him out, hands gripping his jacket to keep him upright as Sam looses the meagre amount of food he’s eaten in the last 24 hours.

Sam spits onto the ground, blinking through tears that he won’t let fall. Not here, not on this random fucking Highway in the middle of nowhere not in front of Dean. 

“Sam-“ Dean’s saying to him, his voice an octave higher, desperation clinging to every sound. 

“I’m fine,” Sam gets out, but he doesn’t need to see Dean’s face to know it falls flat. Dean gets his hands under Sam’s armpits hauling him upright enough to get him away from his vomit and seated on the impala’s seat, shoulder leaning against the back of the seat, feet planted firmly on the gravel. 

Sam takes a breath, shudders and takes another as he blinks, sees Jess’s on the ceiling, the open wound in her stomach, the look on her face as she watched him - and the next breath hitches in his throat. 

He opens his eyes and meets Dean’s - wide and searching, running over Sam’s face like this is something he can kill, like he can fix this. 

“The fuck was that,” Dean’s saying, his hands are still fisted in Sam’s jacket, and Sam doesn’t know what to say. 

“He knew Jess was dead,” Sam says, and he thinks about the ring shopping for Jess, how he’d talked to both her parents about it, how they were excited, how he honest-to-god let himself believe he got out, how he was happy, how he felt safer than he’d ever felt in his life - and he blinks back angry tears. 

“He knew about Jessica, but he never fucking said anything,” and he’s fucking pissed, but it’s cold and quiet, no boiling under the surface, just the knowledge that nothing has changed. He’s standing in the same spot as he was all those years ago. John doesn’t even respect him enough to call him about his girlfriend’s death, and he’s not sure why he honestly expected anything different. 

Dean’s face crumples, falls into that middle ground of helplessness and terror where his crinkle, wrinkles forming that make him look older than he is. 

“Sam,” Dean says, and stops - and what is he going to say. That Dad forgot? That he would have called Sam eventually? That he meant that apology? That he’s not sending them on his unfinished hunts to keep his kids out of the way so that he and he alone can kill this fucking demon like neither Sam or Dean have a right to be involved even though their entire lives have been built around this moment, as if Sam didn’t just lose Jess the same way John lost Mary. 

“The next town is only about 20 minutes away,” Dean says after the silence stretches on until Dean’s legs are probably numb from how he’s crouched in front of Sam and his eyes are a little pleading, a little desperate. 

It’s all Sam can do is nod, can’t trust his voice not to shake, can’t trust himself to keep it together enough. Bile still lingers on his tongue, a ball of saliva sits in the back of his throat that he can’t swallow. He’s spent. 

Dean manoeuvres him back, so he’s sitting properly in the car, ushering his legs in and laying a hand on top of Sam’s head as he guides him under the roof.

Dean climbs into the driver's seat, a sigh escaping him as he settles and for a minute, he doesn’t move to start it. His hands are on the steering wheel, and his eyes are starting out somewhere else. 

“Dad will let us in when it’s time,” Dean says, and Sam almost wants to throw up again, and he presses the heals of his hands into his knees with force, his nails dig into his skin through his jeans, and he focuses on the pressure created there, like it will make a difference. 

Their Dad’s never done that before, never let them in unless he had no other choice and Sam can’t be strung along like a second-grade, hand me down puppet that can barely hold a knife anymore and Sam can’t see why the man would change. 

John’s going to hunt this fucking demon, and he’s going to do everything he can to keep them out of it. It doesn’t matter what he or Dean want, and Sam’s sure it never _really_ has. 

He doesn’t answer and Dean just starts the engine, letting it crackle to life and settle, he waits another moment, and refuses to meet Sam’s eyes as he drives off and for the first time, Sam knows it’s because Dean knows he’s full of shit, that they’re going to be running in the same circles they’ve been running in their entire lives - and now is no different. 

Maybe Jess wouldn’t want this for him, to hunt down her killer even if it rips him to pieces in the process; and yet, it’s all he can do, grip the steering wheel tight, and hope to god he survives the crash. 

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned I have two fics for this episode bc I love it so fucking much oh my god 
> 
> Okay okay. Season 1 is so good bc it’s like oh john is such a shitty parent and then you think that’s it and then next episode you’re like oh it gets so much worse. 
> 
> Like.,,, the way he knew Sam’s girlfriend was brutally murdered just like his wife which literally destroyed him and then he’s like and you know why I will do about this? Nothing <3
> 
> Anyway scarecrow is so good. We get Meg, we get sam calling out john, sam and dean’s fight, dean calling sam and telling him that he understands that sam needs to do his own thing, sam saving dean....... I’m sorry but this episode is catered to me specifically


End file.
